What I learnt.

Here I am, laying down staring at Toshi. Sweet oh cheesus, I miss this feeling, I miss being myself, I miss being alone. I miss the feeling of just me and the four walls, headphones on, and as I turn off the world. I just miss the only me, I miss less caring about the rest. I miss my comfort zone. I just miss this.

Well.. what can I say? 3 more days, and I.. need to change my diary. I need a new diary, to close every chapter of my 2011, and move on to a new one ahead. This might be one.. freaking long post. One heartfelt post. This might be.. everything to me. Just don't mind, okay?

2011 wasn't the best year of my life, it wasn't the easiest as well. This is one tough year to get through. Those uncountable tears, those fake smiles. Lord cheesus, one tough year to be beaten. But, I still have in mind, the times when laughs were literally laugh, when times were so sweet. I lived this 2011, every second of this 362 days, alive. Shared the best memories, laughed the best laughs, yet I cried over the worst memories, struggled through the harshest moment.

Flipping through diary pages, to every blogpost I posted, through every notes I wrote.. My first months of 2011 were not chocolate sweet. I fell out of love. To a good guy, and it was butthard to care less. As I was trying to deal with one, another came along. A fist in your very already swollen face. It sucks to see things that were so divine at the very first place came tumbling. As one tumbled one, another one follows. I was pretty much clueless. I sulk so much, and sulking.. it’s pretty much like diving. You swim deeper, you swim deeper, you’ll get the very best view of the corals and fish, but sooner or later, you’ll run out of oxygen that you need to get out. There’s no use staying under the surface for too long, you’ll die. You have to get back up to the surface. And swimming back, will never be as tempting. I needed to move on out of love, out of issues I've gotten myself into, and issues life gotten me into. How I gotten through everything, I don’t know.. I just did. But really, even roses got torns. I never for even a meresecond regretted the first months of my 2011. It made me.

What did the first months of 2011 did to me that I fell in love, with another guy, faster than I thought I would? It didn’t feel like me. It wasn’t my thing, to easily fell for a guy. Needless to say.. my hopes were turned down, it didn’t ended up as I thought it would. I knew before that this was what I was going to get.
Did I fell in love again? If you might be asking.. *and I wonder if anyone still sticks up to this point..* Yes I did. With the guy I never thought I would fell for again. Question marks are all over the air, did I learn from mistake? How could I? Yes, I did learn from mistakes but.. I don’t know. I just did. And did I regret? No. I can say.


I’m one lucky girl. What can I ask for more? I have the best boyfriend worldwide.

Out of those cupid issues I had.. Friends before lover. That one law of nature I forever will not break. It felt heaven when I knew that I forever will have people that will stand by me, no matter how hard things might get. If sweet words broke my heart, they won’t even say a word so they needn’t to break my heart. If promises and lies broke my heart, they needn’t to promise me a thing, they will, even without a promise. Who’ll forever answer my phone 24/7 and stay awake just to hear me cry.. My chicks, really. They did that. I can’t ask for better chicks. We did fight, we had issues among each other, but the fact that I still came back to them, we found our way back, and I just knew..






.. they’re forever the best damn thing.

To people that watched me grew, to those girls I grew up with..

they knew, how I thought about my look. Too much this, need that more, and I came into one conclusion... fugly. How I was so not confident. Well, isn't that normal that there will be one phase in a girls' life, that you were so not confident with yourself because you're surrounded with divine looking gorges that can rock every outfit they put on? I had this very phase, that I need a confident injection. We all fell into the society, where the definition of beauty is big eyes, strong bone structure, divine body, and freaking long legs. So.. isn't that normal to feel fugly? Well, this people I grew up with.. we all knew how we look like back then, how make up changes each of our faces, and how skinny you beauties are now.. we all changed, like what the society pretty much wanted us to. Labeled ourselves fugly, just because we didn't fit in one of those stereotypes. How much we people lost weight? What did we do just to fit in? It was one hard segment, really. To finally get back up and to gain back your confidence.

What can I say? I’ve lived my very 2011. I’ve gone through so much. I grew, out of everything. I kicked every butt life told me to. To look back at what I wrote back then at the year changing night..
Hey 2011. Just be nice, okay?

Dear 2011, you wasn’t that nice. But lessons you taught me to, I never regret. Anyway, thanks for the best memories. My boyfriend.. and forever to the best people I’ve had. To the restless days and sleepless night. Cheers to you.

I tell you, this might not be the post you all want to read.

Enough said.
Oh, who's not happy in this very merry Christmas? Everyone is truly happy, we all can see. I am happy because it's Christmas. I really am. But.. I don't know. Me, myself, I've been so screwed up, I've been facing lots of ups and downs, been lacking of confidence, been in the lowest part and been in the harshest time. How to smile? How to laugh? How to get my feet back on the ground? How to get back in the game?
I smell so Abercrombie&Fitch, well that's where I find my temporary confidence. This very second.

So, can I say Merry Christmas now?

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2011.
May you all have the merriest Christmas of all times. Enjoy the rest of December!
Ohmagah super late, I freaking know it but better late than never, right? Anyways, Santa didn't grant my wish, but he gave me a plush through my brother which is so cute, eh!

The freaking cheese, why the hell time flies this fast? I mean, we're on the verge of 2011. I still.. can't believe it. I mean, I still have in mind how Christmas 2010 went, when I made cupcakes with Wanl Ling, San Gu and my sister. I still have in mind how countdown to 2011 went. I still have them in mind and now that 2011 is ending.. give me a time machine. I wanna recall those freaking memories of 2011, the worst memories to the best of all times. 2011, you went so freaking fast!

We all got stuck in the thought of gifts, fancy dinners, parties, and holiday. People are hence, enjoying the hecticness of preparing themselves for the holiday season, yet they truly forget what Christmas is all about. I just miss having traditional Christmas celebration. You know, that celebration when the whole family gather in the dining room, with the Christmas tree light up, talking about how good or how bad each of them was. Just a quality time. It's not about how fancy the dinner. And the next morning, to gather around the tree, to open up gifts. It's not about how expensive the gifts are, but it's about the thought of giving to others. To share happiness and moments.

Nothing changed, actually. I was in Singapore too last Christmas, oh I'm always there every Christmas. Since last Christmas was my.. escape. This Christmas Eve feels different. Though there was no fancy dinner, no expensive gifts. But it's just good to be around your family. To gather in the same room, to exchange presents, to wish each other a happy Christmas. Of all issues I had on 2011, family issues were the hardest but the fact that things are so much better now, I can't ever ask for more. This might have been one hell of ride, this Christmas season, things were harsh to me. But, I guess Santa sent me the best gift of all times. The Christmas miracle.

Where's Siska?

Hey Santa..

Hey Santa, I might be needing a little help down here. You know that Lots-O hugging bear? That strawberry scented plush? Yes, that thing. Umm, may I ask you a favor of... getting me that thing for Christmas? Or.. the least you can do is.. give me a simple clue on where I could get one. Is that okay? I think this sounds like a pretty good deal, huh Santa? Well I've been a good girl throughout 2011, just so you know.


Much love,
Genevieve Fransiska.

The sweetest lie will hurt you, even more.

Because when I believe in lies people told me, they succeed on making me feel like I'm dumber than ever. And that's why I don't like lies.

Christmas' next week, my wish list is getting longer than ever. Oh Santa, pumps is in my list.

And I don't even want this to happen.

Can we just work things in a better way?
And yes, I miss you bunch too.

First,

It's not about finding someone who won't fight with you or make you sad. It's about finding the person who will still be standing there wiping the tears away, holding you in their arms after a fight. The one who will never leave, no matter how hard things get.

It has been one month, 30 days. One hell of a ride. Things didn't come off being easy but yes, we survived. First montheversary. Still, I love you.

CHRISTMAS IN DAYS!

CHRISTMAS IN DAYS, WHO'S NOT EXCITED?
I am sorry for the capslock and the bolded words but the fuck, I'm freaking stoked! Finals are over and, I'm hyped like.. real hyped. Combined Math and Bahasa Indonesia was a very big failure, like really BIG failure. Nevertheless, I've done my very freaking best and I'll be happy with the result, whatever it'll be. Really, I surrender my report card in the hands of the teachers.

So, it feels so fucking good to have your fucking life back. To be lazy back, to not care about stupid subjects, neverending tests and paperworks. And to just, lay in your bed with chips and TV, watching your favourite TV show, watching videos from YouTube all day long, stalking fashion bloggers, get to read e-Books, downloading stuffs, Lavalanche, and the rest.. that's how my life should be.. or.. how it was before the hectic highschool. And now, to have it back.. it feels so good. Just to laze around, and being unproductive. The fuck, I am one lazy pig.

It's holiday season already and am coming back on the 16th. Can't freaking wait on spending Christmas at home, baking cookies, lighting up the Christmas tree. Life's gonna be great. Ginger cookies, I can't hardly wait! I can't get enough ginger cookies, Christmas carols, and Christmas trees. Christmas, the most wonderful season of the year. Blame Arthur Christmas for getting me this freaking hyper reaction towards Christmas. Anyway, it's one great movie.

Last, bunch of luck to those who're still facing papers. I'm a free bird.

Freezing night, tell me November's over.

It has been hell a rough week. Don't you think it sucks, when you've waited 5 days until Saturday? And a sudden thing messed everything up? I had my Saturday screwed in a blink of an eye. Damn, I'm screwed. It's literally 2 in the morning and I'm breaking the dawn. It's damn cold in here that I turned off my aircon, put on my pajamas and a sweatshirt, pair of socks, and yet I'm still shivering.
I can't even bother my eyes to shut. I can't even turn myself off after a long day. Worst thing about myself, I over-thought things. I have been staring the monitor for minutes, finding best words to describe what's up and what I'm feeling but I ended up having nothing. Well, thing is, words can explain what you're feeling. 2 AM in the morning, I'm screwed.

Til then.

Together with the sundown.

"It takes my breath away. It gets me butterflies. When you hold me in your sleep, I never want to leave. It's the way that you talk, and the way that you smile. And the way that you love black and white. Baby, it's the way you hold my hand in the car. And the way that we lie in the sand."I l♥ve you.
It has been a long time. Papers are getting harder, finals are coming and am scared to death. Life has been hell a ride and I'm thankful for the less drama going on. Friends have always been the funniest clown this whole wide and the joke machine. My boy has always been the sweetest guy ever. My family has always been the place to go home and to rest at last. Well, still school with all those craps has always been the biggest bitch of all but.. things have been going on less harsh, less drama, and this is all fine. Except my papers. I don't know whether it's me that's worrying way to much and been procrastinating as much as I worry, but I am in the verge of failing. Really.

I find this weird, like extremely weird but.. this is it. I've been missing people whom actually I meet everyday as much as I can't imagine. I wasn't the type of people who miss someone in ease but I don't know, things have changed. I miss my baby girls whom I see everyday. I don't know whether it's me who's gradually growing apart, which is never my intention, or things have slowly changed. I just miss how things used to be between me and my bitches. I need to slowly catch up things before I'm gonna miss out too much things from them.

I want Christmas to come faster. Been listening to so much carols and they send me to the best sleep ever. Santa, bring Christmas soon.

Because the only reason might be... because for what I feel.

"Why are you standing still in the midst of the rain and the wind? The clapping thunders and the pouring rain?" I stop doing whatever I am doing and think. Is this really all I want? Is this really it? I feel a sudden breeze on my hair. I remember.. everything. I smile, and without a doubt, I stand because.. I don't know actually. The only possible answer might be.. because for what I feel.

Of all the things in this whole wide world..

"A boy who would hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. Someone who is more goofy than romantic. Someone who would throw stuffed animals at me when I'm acting dumb. Someone who would bet me kisses that he could beat me at all the old playstation games and then let me win. Someone who would make fun of me just to hear me laugh. Who'd play with my hair all the time and surprise me with 25 cent rings. The one to share lollipops and lay on a blanket with to count the stars. We'd go and take the silliest pictures of each other and squirt water guns at each other. But mostly.. one who would be my bestfriend and would never break my heart. He would just always make me.. smile."

Where them girls at?

Fear [feer] :

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

1. To be afraid or frightened of.

2. To be uneasy or apprehensive about

3. To be in awe of; revere.

When I was like, 6 years old. I first learn how to ride a bike. I was so stoked, knowing Mommy got home from after lunch, having a bicycle and a tricycle-which was for my little sister with her. I instantly rushed down the stairs, and went for that bike. I was too excited! I got on that bike, I sat on on the saddle, with a big smile on my face, I confidently pedaled the bicycle with no doubts and bam. It went wrong, it didn't balance, it fall to the left side and my head hit the wall. It hit pretty hard that there was this DUG! noise coming out, that the smile changed with burst of tears and that I ended up having headache as the outcome. And since that very second, since that hit, I have never tried to ride a bike on my own. Not anymore.

Balloons and birthday parties are like jam and bread. Every birthday party for sure, has balloons. Lots of them. I used to like balloons, I can say, a big fan of them. I liked having lots of them in my arms, liked how they soar up in the sky. I still have in mind, the Sunday in Orchard Road, with people giving away gas balloons and me, taking as much as I can, and having to let the balloons go because I couldn't take all of them with me inside the cab. It was a birthday party of a friend, when they have popped the balloons thingy game. I was playing on the bounce castle, when Daddy called me. He asked me to join the popping balloon thingy since he knew I like balloons. I rushed, then I sat on the balloon. Trying to pop them, and popped. It popped. I fell off the ground. And since that second, I refused to play with balloons, to pop 'em in birthday parties, or even to have 'em in hand. To be honest, I am quite unsure what makes me have that certain fear towards balloons. But since that day, since I knew balloons pop, since I know they make annoying sounds when they pop, I am no longer a fan of them. It's not only that I no longer like them, as much as I can, trying to avoid balloons and stuffs.

I was noted the stupid innocent girl. I tell you, telling me a lie is a piece of cake. I believe things easily. Even the most nonsense thing. It was.. okay at the first place since things in life got harder and since lies said are not only about unicorns do exist and stuffs. It's when an I love you is ambiguous, it is when a 'bestfriend' can say I'll be there when you need me, and proven to never be there in times she's needed the most, it's when people take you for granted and sweet words somehow makes it easier to believe in those wrapped up lies. And.. broken trust is pretty much like a melted chocolate, I can say. You can always freeze it back, but you'll never have the same size, same shape like it was before.

Once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." We all have something we are all afraid of. Like a little bird learning to fly, of course that little bird has a fear of falling. Like a little boy learning to bike, he for sure has a fear that he might fall down and hurt. For every fear has their own reason behind it. I mean, nobody instantly fear something without knowing why they have a certain fear towards that thing.
Truth be told, I never wanted to fear balloons, to fear riding a bike, to have a certain fear on believing just because I was taken for granted. I mean, balloons will do me no harm! Bicycle won't do me much harm if I'm capable on riding it! There's 6 billion people worldwide and not everyone is a different individual, with different attitude. Above all things in this whole wide world, the freaking thing, the only freaking thing am afraid of is: Balloon. Not balloons with s. A singular can freak me out. It's silly yet stupid, yes I know. Silly of me that I cried just because of balloons, not enjoying stuffs just because I can't stand near balloons.
Since my head hit the wall, I never wanted to ride a bicycle on my own. Without someone to hold the bike and go with me. I wanted to be able to ride a bike but I have the fear, again, that I might fall off and hit the ground. It's not the falling into the ground that I fear off, it's the repetition. Of trying and falling.
Being fooled is never an easy thing, it makes you feel so dumb that you're so easy to believe in so obvious lies. It doesn't hurt much, but the Oh I'm so stupid feeling is the major harassment.

Conquering with fear is not an easy thing, well lots of you know this. The only thing you have to have is faith. Have faith. Have faith that bicycle won't kill me. That not everyone is the same but.. from things I fear of and the only fear I still can't slowly conquer is.. my fear towards balloon. I know this is not huge, this is just.. hard to conquer. I don't know if you ask me why. Because I don't seem to have the answer for myself too. It's sucha nuisance, a fear of balloons. But at the same time, it's not what I wanted too. As much as I believe in myself, as much as I believe that I work wonders, I slowly hope this balloon-fear thing will gone.

Because deep inside, I'm smiling for you.

10 minutes to midnight, and I'm stressing like fuck. Is there any reason for me to not stress out? No. There's not a single reason. Days have been packed and rushing everything in the very last minute is.. a yes or a no. You get what I mean? Yes, I know you don't. I wish I could split myself to 4 that I would be capable to do more.

Does it look like an irony or what?

I scribbles so much in my diary. Oh, I'm working on my fifth diary book and.. I'm thinking that who knows someday I'll make a fortune out of it? Anyways, the scribbles on my diary, the notes and everything I wrote there, memopad on my BlackBerry.. I wrote so much about my family there. How it was so perfect, but now it's tumbling into pieces, isn't that sad? I feel like tearing those paper and throw them into the trashcan but... You wrote for you to remember.

I want my family back.

I’m so tired of holding on, so tired of waiting. I need to feel something real, without it breaking. It all becomes so clear, when you touch my hand. And it’s only when you’re near, i know you understand. So before we take this road, before you change my mind, fill my heart with hope, help me to believe this time. I’ve been torn apart, desperately try to find a way back to my heart, so I can love again.
Been having sleepless nights and restless days, uncountable tears falling. As you can see, that's two perfect-shaped eyebags. Thanks for the stress and the pressure, Parents.

Is that too much for me to ask for?

I want my family back, I want my Mom and Dad to be back. I want what we call a family. Funny part about this picture, my younger sister came across a question, "Jie, shi ge ren. Wo ne? Wo zai na li?"

Well, things have basically changed. I have to get myself used to it. Saving up and not having everything as one, I mean as a complete, but I have to have big hearts, to forgive, and everything will be fine. For the sake of the rest I have, for the sake of myself.

Soooo much going on yet little time and I wish I have bigger brains and bigger hearts.

I thought I have quit, but I haven't I guess?

It has been a long time since I last had drink. It's different though, but.. better than nothing at all? A shot or two is not and never a big deal right? I miss the aftermath. So much.
Been a really long time since I last had quality time with my bitches. Talk and laugh like the whole freakin' world is ours. I miss them, heaps. And last Saturday is hell a day, in a good way. On the darkest note of all, I obviously screwed so much papers that I'm in the verge of failing every subject that was examined. Feeling tremendously stupid yet moron is not a good way, you know. I'm getting so much more and more lazier than I ever imagine that honestly, if I were a different person, I'd positively drown that person of me in the deepest sea since she's extremely lazy.

Oh, I just want school days or.. examinations day are over. I'm overwhelmed and stressed out. Till then.

Let go if it kills you, because what to hold on is the one that doesn't hurt you.

i may have said this not only once, i may have said this twice or perhaps more. that, i'm actually no good enough for you, yet for anyone. i may have said things that have torn things apart. i may have said things that broke hearts. you truly, deserve someone way much more than i am. and one day when you look back, you're gonna regret the time you spend with me. yes you are. and one day, soon, i'll be questioning you. how's life without me? and you'll say, everything's fine.

Needless to say, basically everything's a mess.

even I can't trust the only one I thought I could.

There'll be one day, yeah the freaking one day.

ii know one day will come. i know that one day i wont have to suffer my stomachache every morning. i know that one day this aching stomachache will be nothing but just a very bad dream. i know that one day, i'll be able to choke down foods and drinks like all i want. i know one day i dont have to have my pills. i know one day i'll be just fine.

i know one day will come. i know that one day and the day after that, i'll be laughing freely and wholeheartedly. i know that one day, i'll get over every fear i once feel. i know that one day, i will get my faith up again. i know that one day, i will see my hopes soaring up high and not falling to pieces. i know that one day, i'll have someone to make me laugh.

i know one day will come. i know that one day, i'll no longer be the pessimistic me. i know that one day, problems wont be my harassment. i know that one day, i'll have the strength to face everything. i know that one day i'll realize that in the end, we cant be friended with loneliness all day long. i know that one day, i'll have the power to stand on my own feet.

i know that one day will come.

august, you've been hell of a ride. with ups and downs. and problems you've gotten me into to. but, hell i survived. facing september and wishing the very best of it.

At least, I still have to fight for stuffs I want.

People have been saying me as a spoiled brat, Daddy's favourite girl, that I get everything I want. Like everything. Well the truth is.. NO. I don't get everything I want. Mommy and Daddy no longer believe in my puppy dog face since I barely remember when. Mom and Dad don't instantly grant my wishes just because I asked them. I have to have a proof, no matter what is it that I can keep. And making my parents believe is a fight, a climb to a high cliff. I have to, at least did things that make them proud, and acing exams is not what make them proud. I have to fight for what I want. I don't get it just by asking them, by persuading, and kaching! Cash flows. Well, I hope things work that way but... unfortunately, no. It doesn't work that way. I have to fight for what I want. So sorry that you're wrong, cash doesn't flow that easy and I don't always get what I want.

Happy Eid Mubarak to every Muslims celebrating today!

I don't wanna be the reason why.

I have the fear of hurting, the fear that I'll be sucha failure, sucha disappointment to the other. The fear of seeing someone hurting and knowing that I'm the reason behind the pain. I guess I'm traumatized. I hate being hurt that somehow, I don't wanna hurt the other. I don't wanna get too attached. I don't wanna love someone, something or whatever it takes too much. I just, don't wanna love and leave em and see someone hurt. Whether it's my friend or whoever. I'd better roll with the punches.

I've been ill since yesterday, my body temperature's rising and it hasn't gone down till now. Spent the whole day sleeping and when I got enough strength, I urge myself to clean up my study desk. And here it goes, before and after. (Extremely low picture quality, I forgot where I did last put my camera so this is from my iTouch.)

BEFORE

AFTER

Happy belated birthday, my dear Indonesia.

INDONESIA <3

RESPECT5 by SMAK5. Twas yesterday, dated August 18, 2011. Yeah, had so much fun. The third day of my exhaustion week sequel. And twas indeed, extremely tiring but everything worth the exhaustion. Pocong Mandi, Two Wings, Ketek, ERGGHH!, A lot, and so much games. I participated quite much, ignoring my bruised knee. So yeah, it's the weekend. Happy belated birthday Indonesia!

Out of the blue, I think of redecorating my whole room because it is in a massive mess and I'm bored. I need a new room!

I'll be seventeen too one day!

This week is a total exhaustion. Monday was study day, Tuesday was decorating for Debora's surprise day. Wednesday was another tiring day, and today is no exception. Another tiring day as well. I lost my voice, I skipped so much meals because of the hectic-ness. To me, this week is officially over.
Debora's sweet seventeen party. And I say, see you bitches rocking the floor in heels. And last night was.. extremely fun.

My junior from year 10!

I was actually chewing sushi at this picture so.. that's why I have the blowfish face.

After makeup, I so love this geeky glasses of Cornelia's.

They are my sweetest girls.

Waiting for pictures to be on Facebook, so yeah these are Blackberry quality pictures. Happy sweet seventeen to Deborah, my bestest friend ever (dated August 17, 2011) and to happy sweet sixteen to Amelia, the cutest friend ever (dated August 18, 2011)

Love and relationships are never like the movies no matter how much we want them to be. But when something beautiful ends, for whatever reason, it's most important not to be disappointed that it's over, but glad that it happened at all.

It wasn't for you nor anyone, I'm just writing. With no intention. And I'm just shocked that you thought it was for you. I mean, how could you? And you disappear. Geez.

I don't wanna grow up.

I'm just.. I'm still sad. So sad, that Harry Potter's journey has ended. He has found all the Horcruxes and he killed Lord Voldemort already. I just wish J.K. Rowling would like to write another book like, seriously. After all this years, reading Harry Potter's book, queuing for the book, reading it till 2 A.M. and not wanting to sleep unless finishing it, waiting for the new movie to show up in the cinema, waiting in line to get tickets to the first show of the movie, remembering spells, having wands and ... so much. It has been 10 years of Harry Potter and now it all ends.. I don't know I just.. I don't want to. I am such a big fan of Rowling and Harry Potter since I was still a kid. I still have this in my mind, the time I watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone every Sunday during lunch and I believed that Hogwart's real. Waiting for an owl to stop by my mail box sending me letter and I was disappointed when I didn't get any. Until Mom told me that, Harry Potter is just a fantasy. A movie. But, I don't know deep down here I still believe that platform 9 3/4 on King's Cross Station is real, and pressing 6-2-4-4-2 on to a broken-down red telephone box located on a dingy street which has several shabby offices, a pub, and a wall covered with graffitti will send me to the Ministry of Magic. I know this sounds silly but.. blah.

I just hate opening Tumblr, they have so many Harry Potter related stuffs and I am sad seeing it. I mean, they're like telling me Harry Potter is over and they're bringing back things from the past. I cried so much when I first watched the premiere on July 14 till my eyeliner melts. Cried again when I watched for the second time. And cried again when I saw pics and videos on Youtube. Seriously, I don't know what I have to do with my life. Harry Potter has been with me for 10 years. I've stuck for 10 years. And now it's over.. I don't know. Seriously.

By the way, I've made it to Pottermore and yes I'm so glad..

The only unsinkable ship is friendship.

I love them, heaps.

It's because I don't want another heart to break.

If I ever leave all in sudden, if I ever disappear and not returning calls or messages, if I ever vanish from your life out of nowhere, if you can't find me in every way, it's not that I'm kidnapped by an alien from outer space, or you do me wrong that makes me hate you. Because if I ever one do of those things, or perhaps all at once, it means I don't see we both can work it out any further than what we have at the meantime. It's because I don't want another heart to break, I don't wanna give false alarms and false hopes. I don't wanna see you live in lies. I don't want you to hope for something that isn't going to happen. I don't wanna hurt you in continuously pain. I'd rather hurt you once, make you hate me, than let you be.

A dark note, I've made up my mind. I'm reconsidering everything that I might not be taking and go after my Plan A majoring Design. Well it's because I highly doubt myself. And now I'm like a lost kid not knowing which winding road should I take. By the way, it seems like everyone's having a hard time. Me either. My right jaw has been hurting for days. Not being able to open my mouth widely and munching food properly and not to forget, not being able to laugh hard and scream hard is a definite pain. And the fact I had hamburger yesterday was definitely the worst thing. Days at science class is blah but.. I find myself not procrastinating, no more. I mean, I do homeworks days before the due date, not the night before like I always do in grade 10. Well I guess it's because I know I don't have much time to. That's good. I'm trying to enjoy my class a little by little, tryna see the best part of my class which is... Blah, I still can't find one but I know soon I'll find one. I feel so much hatred inside of me that I need to get rid of it, lower my freaking ego and talk to my friend in no time. I have to cool down a bit and start solving things out.

I never hated you and I guess I never really could. Well still, it was you who once made my days and gave me smiles. Who helped me sort things out and you were the very first one who's there when I needed somebody. You never really did things wrong, it's just.. things have found a better way to work out. But bestfriends stick together all the time, don't they?

You hate love, but it;s inevitable

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Nothing lasts forever.

My very bestfriend's Dad just passed away. It has been 100 days since my uncle passed away. Summer 2 years ago, a friend of mine also passed away. The thing about life is.. Nothing lasts forever. Really nothing. People come and go, days passes and things go by. Time keeps on ticking and it won't stop for even a meresecond. Honestly, I'm not good dealing with death. Things are never the same after death approaches. Seeing your friends and family crying over a dead body, and the body of someone you loved is no longer breathing. It is never easy. And never will be easy. But, life goes on. You shall not cry over things that has been done. God has a plan.

Things have been so ARGH lately. I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs. Lord.

I'm so glad to have you back.

Same hospital, same storey, same alley, same person, different time, condition and feelings. The talk that simply changes the way I think and the way I will look forward things. It was the talk that slaps me right in the face. How I saw things in the different side which is.. the freaking cause of everything. It has been years. not just year. But years. And we never actually have ever left each other. It's funny how we knew things without being told. We just knew. I'm just so glad to have my friend back.


10 years of Harry Potter and I'm so glad that I was able to make it to the premiere. 14th July. It all ends, and I did cry. A lot. I mean, all these years. I have another Harry Potter book/movie to look after to. But now, it's over. Well, thanks Harry Potter.

Well in my case, I heal at a slower pace.

The ones we love tend to stay in our hearts and minds long after the relationship ends. While some move on quickly, others dwell and heal at a slower pace. Whatever the case, the thoughts, emotions and memories we experience during this time are heartwrenchingly powerful and real.

Oh she's the prettiest!

This is miss Suicide Avenue. She's the prettiest <3