This is what I call... a poker face.

"I sometimes pretend to be happy, talking a lot and laughing out loud so nobody would know what's really inside. But at the end of the day, I always find myself all alone, encountering the truth that I'm too broken inside that not even millions of laughter can't take it away. I actually am tired of pretending, but what else do I have? I have no one to trust to share things. I guess I'm so used to being all alone, forgotten, and left over."

Bolehkah?

"Sekarang... Saat ini saja... Untuk beberapa detik saja... aku ingin bersikap egois. Aku ingin melupakan semua orang, mengabaikan dunia, dan melupakan asal usul serta latar belakangku. Tanpa beban, tuntutan, ataupun harapan, aku ingin mengaku. Aku mencintainya."

Autumn in Paris (Ilana Tan)

Ada saatnya gua selalu pengen kenyataan yang ngalah sama gua karena selama ini, kayaknya selalu gua yang ngalah. Ada saatnya gua pengen kenyataan yang ngertiin gua karena selama ini, kayaknya juga gua yang selalu menyesuaikan diri dan berusaha buat ngertiin kenyataan itu. Jauh, gua pengen kenyataan lah yang jalan sesuai dengan keinginan gua. Gua pernah janji kalau gua bakal berusaha buat ngalah sama kenyataan, buat ngertiin kenyataan. Cuman, sampai kapan gua harus ngalah, walaupun memang sebenarnya kenyataan bukan gua yang ngatur.
Tapi.. apa kenyataan gak ngerti, kalau yang namanya perasaan juga bukan gua yang ngatur? Kalau memang semua terjadi begitu aja, tanpa ngasih peringatan ke gua dulu, kalau semuanya jalan secara sendirinya, apakah kenyataan tetep gak mau ngerti?

Dear her,

Girl, you're lucky enough to have his love. The only thing I'm willing to have, but no, I know I can't. He loves you, for real. It's not me and never be me. If I could ask you a thing, it'd be you to love him the way he feels about you. Well, I don't know if that's possible or not, but just so you know, you're the only one who'll make him happy, you're the only one who could cheer him up and make him smile. You know, I'd be pleased to give in, let him go to you if he's gonna be happy with you. I know it's not easy to see him go. But, don't worry about me, I'll be happy as long as he's happy. I love him, that's why I give in and let him go. Cos it's never gonna be me, it'll always be you.

Sincerely, me

The emo days are not over... yet.

The fact that time flies so fast is rather sad. I mean, it's like I've wasted the whole time sulking in my miseries and do nothing, whereas in fact, I could just move on and do other things instead. It's proving me that I'm such a bitch. Sulking in my miseries and regretting, crying all over the past, thinking thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking at very first place, I got my heart broken and what I did? I just let it broke without trying to pick the shattered pieces and put it back altogether. I know it's waaay too late to regret everything. But, I just hate the fact that I over-thought things.

My life... what can I say? Another disappointment. I completely have lost my faith in everything. Literally. Now I'm not buying anything. I don't believe that things are genuine or were genuine at the first place. The one thought is the one, whom I thought I can really turn to, turns out to be just the same as other girls. Spread out my secrets, and betrays even her own words. Did she know that I know this? No. And me? I'm more than awful. She was my bestfriend, she hurts me. Now what? It's another disappointment to deal with, and I swear, I'm tired of being disappointed, all over again. I'm tired of having my expectations turned down. I'm tired of losing faith. I mean like, now that I believe in no one, I keep on thinking, can I have everything on my own? Can I deal with stuffs?

I miss having the ones I can really count on, the ones who know my poker face, the ones who'll be there, literally- when I need them, the ones who'll give hugs when I'm in need of one, the ones who have my back, who'll stand for me when I get nags for screwing curfew, the ones who make me forget my heartbreak and make me laugh like an utter idiot, the ones who'll never be ashamed to stand by me and do stupid things together.

I just want friends. Real friends. Is that so much? I have been questioning a lot and I barely find the answer.

I have been a bitch.

What? I don't give a fuck.

Breakin' down, and coming undone. It's a rollercoaster kind of rush, and I never knew I could feel that much.

I'm pissed like what that I want nothing but gummy bears, gummy snakes or gummy whatever right now. Grawr.

I've been such a big bitch lately that I bitch about mostly everything. Things have been going on rough and I am not in my best condition to deal with the worsts. How I hate hypocrites who act out like they care, whereas in fact they like seeing me suffer. Legit shit. I had so much meanies in my life, that try to ruin every single thing. But still, I still can't stand if more meanies coming. Why do you have to be such a meanie?
On the other darker note, I've had myself enough on believing the wrong person all over again. I hate myself for being so stupid. Like, words can make me believe in someone. I put my faith and bam! Another disappointment. Screw screw screw.

Clock is ticking and still, I haven't made any decisions. You know, I did think I've made one but still it doesn't solve everything. I need to chillax so I can think but... nay I can't. Me hate making decisions so much.

“I've learned that: goodbyes will always hurt, pictures can never replace being there, memories forget the hard times, words can never replace feelings, and heros often go unsung”

I'm not actually a fond of the Tumblr business.

I actually am not in the Tumblr business, but reblogging pics and words that express your feelings are... undeniably fun. Sometimes you can't make up words, but you can always have the words for every feelings.

Well, try me : http://icantfindcooltumblrname.tumblr.com/

Someone told me, never regret things that once made me smile.