Summer love isn't meant to be.

I love the moon, I love stars, I love the clouds, I love the wind breezing, I love the sun, I love raindrops, I love thunders and lightnings. I just love the sky and everything in it.

It has been a while, and I'm glad I'm slowly not overwhelmed. Things were hard, but that doesn't mean I can't. Weeks before school started, I'm not wasting my time. No.

I go ahead and smile :)

For what happened. twas no one's fault. No one to be blamed. It's coming down itself, it's tumbling down itself. I know I'm not strong, but this emo phase won't last too long.

I was sleeping when I saw a vision. A girl sitting under a tree on her own, in her very pale white dress, but no I can't see her face. She came approach me, with a tap on my shoulder, she said. Life's too short for you to cry over the past, to sulk under the miseries, to regret what you have done wrong. Count your time, how much you've been wasting on being emo, crying over stuffs which you should be getting over instead? You know you have limited time, you know not when you're going. Literally going, forever. Stop being whiny. For every mistake you did, it wasn't meant to make you feel small and make you feel like a fool, it's the phase to get stronger, to know which one's right, to learn not to do the same thing all over again. I ain't saying every mistake is good, but what you have to do is learn from them, not to sulk on and regret. For everyone that left, that simply means, you're getting older and you have to learn standing on your own feet. But have faith, you'll have someone standing at your back, who'll catch you when you fall. No one guarantees that life's easy, no one guarantees that love is plain sweet, no one guarantees that friendship stays forever. But out of the blue, you can always see the sun. I was once your age, got my heart broken, seeing my hopes up so high then saw it falling down, being left over and forgotten. I was once in your shoes that I simply know how it feels like to be you. But, darling believe in me. Doing what you're doing now, you're more wasting the time than cherishing what you have. Stop having "if only", start having "I could do this instead." That's what she told me. And it was like a slap on a face, a very hard one that I was awakened and I found out that I've fallen asleep with teary eyes.

Gotta deal with what I fear the most tomorrow, gotta have my heart, soul, body, and mind for the worst decision. July, isn't it way too long for the result to come out? I'm afraid of opening the envelope, seeing the sayings that everything's not working properly. That I might have more things to deal with. I might not have the very best holiday since the result's out for so long. Everything's in stake! Anyway, guess holiday's starting for everyone. So, happy holiday. Summer 2011! I'm hoping for the best of Bali and Singapore, despite the medical thing. Till then x

Letting go doesn't always mean that I give in, nor I giving up. It doesn't always mean that I'm done. Doesn't always mean I don't feel that way anymore. It doesn't always mean I'm tired of hoping. But perhaps this time, it means that I know perhaps he deserves someone who's way much better than I am. You know, it's time to let go. Because perhaps the only thing I'd like to see is him happy, eventhough it's not me. Because from the very first place, I knew it's not me and never will be me. Whoever's gonna have him, well she'd better be treating him right.
Well knowing the truth's not easy, never have been easy eversince. But, I'm glad I've known :)

I.

I cry when smiling seems to be harder, when I can't even fake one. I fight, I struggle, I try but... I fail. I get my hopes up and ... I am disappointed. I believed and I am betrayed. I love although it may hurt. I hate. I feel. I forgive. I forget. I let go. I give in. I get blamed. I fell down yet I learned how to stand up. I was stabbed. I was failed. I failed. I fake a smile to avoid every "Are you okay?"s. I laugh because sometimes I feel like, hiding the pain could ease things, whereas in fact, I am wrong.

If I could be selfish, if there was a day for me.
I just want to be wanted, I just want to be needed. I just want someone to tell me they need me. I want someone to miss me. I just want to blame, not to be blamed. I want to be understood, not to understand others all the time. I want hugs, I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything's alright. I want to see my hopes up without it falling. I want someone who'll wipe away the tears and help me put back the smile.

I just hope this will last a little bit longer.

It's raining. I love rainy days. I love the smell of the rain yet the smell of the soil. I love the sound of the rain when it touches the surface, the drizzle, the sound when the wind blows the water, the whoosh thingy the rain make. I love the feeling of the rain, it's cleansing yet soothing. The rain always pampers my mood, the soothing vibes and everything. If only it could rain everyday, if only.

It's uncountable how many times this has happened.
I fell down, and I feel so small in this whole wide world. Disappointed and I stop believing in others. Betrayed and I'm a pessimistic on love. Like a little bird learned how to fly, the world wants me to learn everything in a blink of an eye. Forced to decide everything on my own. All in sudden, I feel growing up is not as easy I thought it would be.

Truth be told, I've had enough of fighting and struggling. But for the sake of you, I ain't giving up. Not yet. Maybe I have to fight harder. Maybe I have to give it another shot - I don't know. I ain't complaining. You've made me realize.. that from the very first start, I ain't standing alone.

To whom this may concern, I just have to simply thank you. And yes, I kinda miss you.

As every summer has a story.

Days of books, equations, revising and reviews over. Am biddin' my highest goodbye to the sleepless night and stressful days. Finals' over and I'm hyped. Leavin' Jakarta in just days and.. yeah, summer is here. It's the sleepless night and the extreme long day that made me think about what I've been through. Well, can't believe it's summer (again) already. Just can't believe I made through another year, a year after '10 Summer. What I've been through, what the hell happened, breakdowns, yet I'm still here standing. As every summer has a story, and I hope 2011's have a great one.

Well, these days I just need to be occupied. To avoid me and my over-thought habits, and the negative vibes.
Till then x

SUMMER 2011, BRING IT ON!

Because I feel in love with you not because of the big things you did, it's the small things you did that I feel in love with;

Because in your eyes I'd like to stay.

I'm not askin' for a perfect boy, because I simply know there can't be one. I just need someone to love me, for real. Wholeheartedly. That's it. I'm not askin' for friends that has to be with me 24/7, I just need the ones who'll be there in times I friggin' need someone to fall back on and the ones I know will never leave me alone. I'm not askin for a perfect life, for a perfect everything, I just wanna feel needed and wanted. I'm not askin' for a perfect me, because I know I can't be.

Re-reading what I used to write and what they used to write with me still in a part of them is makin' me miss em even more. Oh summer break just be fast <3

Happy 400th post!

LET'S DO A SURVEY!

TEN HOW'S
How did you get one of your scars?
A papercut, if I was not mistaken.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
Splash with my best!

How are you feeling at this moment?
I'm doing alright, but I'm having this tummy pain called gastritis. F.

How did your night go last night?
It was so bad at the first place, my mood swung back and forth but it ended out sweet!

How did you do in high school?
I can't tell how well or how bad I did.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Mommy's.

How often do you see your best friend?
I see some everyday, see some twice a year, perhaps.

How much money did you spend last month?
Heaps.

How old do you want to be when you get married?
When I'm over 23 years old. I wanna work first!

How old will you be at your next birthday?
Seventeen. I hate getting old.


NINE WHAT'S
Your mothers name?
I don't have to tell you, do I?

What did you do last weekend?
Chemistry all weekend long!

What is the most important part of your life?
Family and friends.

What would you rather be doing?
Rather be doing something productive than writing nonsense. Teehee

What did you last cry over?
Random stuffs.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Being comforted and cry everything out.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Loyalty.

What are you worried about?
So much that I can't even bear to tell.

What did you have for breakfast?
I don't eat breakfast.


EIGHT HAVE YOU’S
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Once.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
Who never had?

Have you ever been out of the country?
Yes

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Things I did with my bitches was.. dumb but twas worth the dumbness!

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Yes. And it hurts, so damn much.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
No. Sounds... nay.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
No.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
I'mma bookworm.


SEVEN WHO’S
Who was the last person you saw?
Auntie.

Who was the last person you texted?
Ci Monic. Was askin' about Math. Lame.

Who was the last person you hungout with?
It was.. wait, when was my last 'hang out'?

Who was the last person to call you?
Auntie.

Who did you last hug?
It was.. damn it doesn't ring a bell. I don't remember.

Who is the last person who texted you?
Ci Monic, as well since she was the last person I texted.

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
My sissy. For the first time and my last time in my only once life.


SIX WHERE’S
Where does your best friend live?
In this whole wide world.

Where did you last go?
Fany's.

Where did you last hang out?
I didn't even remember when was the last time I had a 'hang-out'.

Where do you go to school?
SMAK5

Where is your favorite place to be?
My room. Definitely.

Where did you sleep last night?
My bed. Isn't that obvious? Why bother askin?


FIVE DO’S/DOES

Do you like someone right now?
I guess so.

Do you think anyone likes you?
Well.. I don't know, literally don't know. But I guess so?

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Once, but I'm glad I'm me :)

Do you know the muffin man?
Who the hell is the muffin man? Or whoever has muffin name as their a.k.a?

Does the future scare you?
Yes, a lot.


FOUR WHY’S

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
Because they have my back when I need a back to fall back on, and they lend me their ears and their goddamn shoulders for me to cry one.

Why did you get a myspace?
Because some Indie bands' Myspace are mostly private that I have to be friend with them so I can download songs. Yeah ai em awsum.

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
I don't know. They never told me either.

Why are you doing this survey?
Because it's my 400th post and I have no idea on what to write.


THREE IF’S
If you could have one super power what would it be??
FLY!

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
I used to wanna change a lot of things but truth be told, I simply love how things are going right now. So much.

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
Nyxo, my so called Blackberry. With signals.

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S
Would you ever forgive your enemy?
Yes, forgive though I may not forget.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Guess I would.

ONE LAST QUESTION
Are you happy with your life right now?
Yes.

It's growing up we're all facing.

They told me I look like like a Caucasian ♥

It's sad to think that my childhood is over. That I'll never be young again. That I'll always have worries and secrets to be kept now. That I'll never be free to run around without a care in the world. And instead, I'll be crippled by every type of pain the world has to offer.

Have you ever thought you liked something too much and you boast that to your friends and also your daddy and mommy, and now you find it as.. blah? Have you ever thought something as your passion and now you find something way much more interesting, but decisions and plans are set up already that you can't change? That's how I feel. Exactly. I no longer find joy in drawing as it used to be. I need to find my way back. Not into love, but into design and art. I've been writing so much lately, reading so much. And.. I find so much joy in it. But, literature has been... sucha sweet runaway. Just a runaway. Everything's set up already that I can't change. I have to go back.

Eh, on the other hand, I've been trying to write out as much as I can, keep posted as much as I can but.. since I'm now so attached with my diary, literally diary and I somehow found more joy writing there, as in no privacy since it's gonna be only me, I started neglecting this old piece of junk, my so called blog. Tee-hee. Everyone's in their exam week, and so do I. I'm wishin' everyone nothing but the hope of them to ace up their papers. I just want summer break to be fast so I can start burning my books into ashes or sell them. Tell you no lies, I'm sick of studyin'.
So long x