Because the only reason might be... because for what I feel.

"Why are you standing still in the midst of the rain and the wind? The clapping thunders and the pouring rain?" I stop doing whatever I am doing and think. Is this really all I want? Is this really it? I feel a sudden breeze on my hair. I remember.. everything. I smile, and without a doubt, I stand because.. I don't know actually. The only possible answer might be.. because for what I feel.

Of all the things in this whole wide world..

"A boy who would hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. Someone who is more goofy than romantic. Someone who would throw stuffed animals at me when I'm acting dumb. Someone who would bet me kisses that he could beat me at all the old playstation games and then let me win. Someone who would make fun of me just to hear me laugh. Who'd play with my hair all the time and surprise me with 25 cent rings. The one to share lollipops and lay on a blanket with to count the stars. We'd go and take the silliest pictures of each other and squirt water guns at each other. But mostly.. one who would be my bestfriend and would never break my heart. He would just always make me.. smile."

Where them girls at?

Fear [feer] :

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

1. To be afraid or frightened of.

2. To be uneasy or apprehensive about

3. To be in awe of; revere.

When I was like, 6 years old. I first learn how to ride a bike. I was so stoked, knowing Mommy got home from after lunch, having a bicycle and a tricycle-which was for my little sister with her. I instantly rushed down the stairs, and went for that bike. I was too excited! I got on that bike, I sat on on the saddle, with a big smile on my face, I confidently pedaled the bicycle with no doubts and bam. It went wrong, it didn't balance, it fall to the left side and my head hit the wall. It hit pretty hard that there was this DUG! noise coming out, that the smile changed with burst of tears and that I ended up having headache as the outcome. And since that very second, since that hit, I have never tried to ride a bike on my own. Not anymore.

Balloons and birthday parties are like jam and bread. Every birthday party for sure, has balloons. Lots of them. I used to like balloons, I can say, a big fan of them. I liked having lots of them in my arms, liked how they soar up in the sky. I still have in mind, the Sunday in Orchard Road, with people giving away gas balloons and me, taking as much as I can, and having to let the balloons go because I couldn't take all of them with me inside the cab. It was a birthday party of a friend, when they have popped the balloons thingy game. I was playing on the bounce castle, when Daddy called me. He asked me to join the popping balloon thingy since he knew I like balloons. I rushed, then I sat on the balloon. Trying to pop them, and popped. It popped. I fell off the ground. And since that second, I refused to play with balloons, to pop 'em in birthday parties, or even to have 'em in hand. To be honest, I am quite unsure what makes me have that certain fear towards balloons. But since that day, since I knew balloons pop, since I know they make annoying sounds when they pop, I am no longer a fan of them. It's not only that I no longer like them, as much as I can, trying to avoid balloons and stuffs.

I was noted the stupid innocent girl. I tell you, telling me a lie is a piece of cake. I believe things easily. Even the most nonsense thing. It was.. okay at the first place since things in life got harder and since lies said are not only about unicorns do exist and stuffs. It's when an I love you is ambiguous, it is when a 'bestfriend' can say I'll be there when you need me, and proven to never be there in times she's needed the most, it's when people take you for granted and sweet words somehow makes it easier to believe in those wrapped up lies. And.. broken trust is pretty much like a melted chocolate, I can say. You can always freeze it back, but you'll never have the same size, same shape like it was before.

Once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." We all have something we are all afraid of. Like a little bird learning to fly, of course that little bird has a fear of falling. Like a little boy learning to bike, he for sure has a fear that he might fall down and hurt. For every fear has their own reason behind it. I mean, nobody instantly fear something without knowing why they have a certain fear towards that thing.
Truth be told, I never wanted to fear balloons, to fear riding a bike, to have a certain fear on believing just because I was taken for granted. I mean, balloons will do me no harm! Bicycle won't do me much harm if I'm capable on riding it! There's 6 billion people worldwide and not everyone is a different individual, with different attitude. Above all things in this whole wide world, the freaking thing, the only freaking thing am afraid of is: Balloon. Not balloons with s. A singular can freak me out. It's silly yet stupid, yes I know. Silly of me that I cried just because of balloons, not enjoying stuffs just because I can't stand near balloons.
Since my head hit the wall, I never wanted to ride a bicycle on my own. Without someone to hold the bike and go with me. I wanted to be able to ride a bike but I have the fear, again, that I might fall off and hit the ground. It's not the falling into the ground that I fear off, it's the repetition. Of trying and falling.
Being fooled is never an easy thing, it makes you feel so dumb that you're so easy to believe in so obvious lies. It doesn't hurt much, but the Oh I'm so stupid feeling is the major harassment.

Conquering with fear is not an easy thing, well lots of you know this. The only thing you have to have is faith. Have faith. Have faith that bicycle won't kill me. That not everyone is the same but.. from things I fear of and the only fear I still can't slowly conquer is.. my fear towards balloon. I know this is not huge, this is just.. hard to conquer. I don't know if you ask me why. Because I don't seem to have the answer for myself too. It's sucha nuisance, a fear of balloons. But at the same time, it's not what I wanted too. As much as I believe in myself, as much as I believe that I work wonders, I slowly hope this balloon-fear thing will gone.

Because deep inside, I'm smiling for you.

10 minutes to midnight, and I'm stressing like fuck. Is there any reason for me to not stress out? No. There's not a single reason. Days have been packed and rushing everything in the very last minute is.. a yes or a no. You get what I mean? Yes, I know you don't. I wish I could split myself to 4 that I would be capable to do more.

Does it look like an irony or what?

I scribbles so much in my diary. Oh, I'm working on my fifth diary book and.. I'm thinking that who knows someday I'll make a fortune out of it? Anyways, the scribbles on my diary, the notes and everything I wrote there, memopad on my BlackBerry.. I wrote so much about my family there. How it was so perfect, but now it's tumbling into pieces, isn't that sad? I feel like tearing those paper and throw them into the trashcan but... You wrote for you to remember.