Everyone judges. But I try not to.

This was what I am going to have if I don't have extreme sensitive skin :(

Isn't it annoying when people who barely know you judge you like, all they want? The people who only know you by your name, by your Facebook profile, by the tweets you tweeted on Twitter, the ones who know you just by the way you walk, you smile, and you talk - not to them, and the stories they heard about you. You never even talked to them, not a single word. You never even bothered them, never even cared a bit 'bout them. And they judge you, they talk stuffs about you, like they've known you since you barely remember. You only know my name, not me. You only hear stories about me, but you barely know what I got through.
Really, I actually don't bother much about what people say about me. I mean, well I try to care less. Judgements hurt. And in the end, it's myself who I'm living for. Not the rest. But I just can't help myself when it's getting too much. Literally, too much. I just don't get the point of people saying stuffs 'bout me. I mean, why don't you talk stuffs more important? You spend your freaking precious time hating and talking stuffs about me? We don't even know each other so why bother? I'm living my freaking own life and I'm sorry if it disturbs yours. But live yours like I live mine, care less. I know everyone has the right to hate, and I know I'm not lovable. But, could you just care less like I do when it comes to you? Everyone got their own flaws.

On the other hand, I'm still in Mom and Dad's place. Yes, I'm staying here for another two weeks. Well, one part of me is loving my stay here, not wanting to come back Jakarta since everything's so easy here. I got my maid, my freaking little sister and brother, Mommy and Daddy, and yes, driver! Enough money, zillions of food, no need to do chores and no need to clean up beds and clothes. But the other side of me misses being alone. I miss the very silent moment just between me and the four walls. Regarding to what happened lately, yes I am missing the moment me being all by myself. You know, I can act like I am not fine all the time because no one freaking cares. I have to look all so fine right now, I have to act like medication doesn't hurt and betrayals are nothing. I miss the time when I just can do whatever I want, like rant in my pillows when I'm freaking pissed, roll over and break down in tears when I feel emotional, or laugh and talk to stuffed animals.
But anyways, time flies that actually it has been 4 years of living apart from Mom and Dad, apart from all the freakin' comforts, I'm just so used to feel alone and being alone. The feeling of just me and the four walls and stuffed animals. Being not fine and facing truths all by myself. The moment when I have to turn on music just to make me feel I have a company. The moment when I have to bear not being in family reunions dinner and skipping so much family and loved ones birthdays. The moment watching them growing up, as I am, but miles apart. Yeah, I'm used to it.

Two more weeks to go until school reopens. Someone, please bomb my school. And oh, speaking of school.. Yes, I'm in the freakin' year 11, science class. I don't think this is what I want. I highly doubt this. But well for now, I guess I just have to keep faith, this is what I want. I don't know what I like, I don't know if this is really what I'm into to. Oh fuck. I guess for now, I'll just have to keep faith, get things figured out by itself later on, and enjoy the rest of my summer. Yeah.

Till then.

Summer love isn't meant to be.

I love the moon, I love stars, I love the clouds, I love the wind breezing, I love the sun, I love raindrops, I love thunders and lightnings. I just love the sky and everything in it.

It has been a while, and I'm glad I'm slowly not overwhelmed. Things were hard, but that doesn't mean I can't. Weeks before school started, I'm not wasting my time. No.

I go ahead and smile :)

For what happened. twas no one's fault. No one to be blamed. It's coming down itself, it's tumbling down itself. I know I'm not strong, but this emo phase won't last too long.

I was sleeping when I saw a vision. A girl sitting under a tree on her own, in her very pale white dress, but no I can't see her face. She came approach me, with a tap on my shoulder, she said. Life's too short for you to cry over the past, to sulk under the miseries, to regret what you have done wrong. Count your time, how much you've been wasting on being emo, crying over stuffs which you should be getting over instead? You know you have limited time, you know not when you're going. Literally going, forever. Stop being whiny. For every mistake you did, it wasn't meant to make you feel small and make you feel like a fool, it's the phase to get stronger, to know which one's right, to learn not to do the same thing all over again. I ain't saying every mistake is good, but what you have to do is learn from them, not to sulk on and regret. For everyone that left, that simply means, you're getting older and you have to learn standing on your own feet. But have faith, you'll have someone standing at your back, who'll catch you when you fall. No one guarantees that life's easy, no one guarantees that love is plain sweet, no one guarantees that friendship stays forever. But out of the blue, you can always see the sun. I was once your age, got my heart broken, seeing my hopes up so high then saw it falling down, being left over and forgotten. I was once in your shoes that I simply know how it feels like to be you. But, darling believe in me. Doing what you're doing now, you're more wasting the time than cherishing what you have. Stop having "if only", start having "I could do this instead." That's what she told me. And it was like a slap on a face, a very hard one that I was awakened and I found out that I've fallen asleep with teary eyes.

Gotta deal with what I fear the most tomorrow, gotta have my heart, soul, body, and mind for the worst decision. July, isn't it way too long for the result to come out? I'm afraid of opening the envelope, seeing the sayings that everything's not working properly. That I might have more things to deal with. I might not have the very best holiday since the result's out for so long. Everything's in stake! Anyway, guess holiday's starting for everyone. So, happy holiday. Summer 2011! I'm hoping for the best of Bali and Singapore, despite the medical thing. Till then x

Letting go doesn't always mean that I give in, nor I giving up. It doesn't always mean that I'm done. Doesn't always mean I don't feel that way anymore. It doesn't always mean I'm tired of hoping. But perhaps this time, it means that I know perhaps he deserves someone who's way much better than I am. You know, it's time to let go. Because perhaps the only thing I'd like to see is him happy, eventhough it's not me. Because from the very first place, I knew it's not me and never will be me. Whoever's gonna have him, well she'd better be treating him right.
Well knowing the truth's not easy, never have been easy eversince. But, I'm glad I've known :)

I.

I cry when smiling seems to be harder, when I can't even fake one. I fight, I struggle, I try but... I fail. I get my hopes up and ... I am disappointed. I believed and I am betrayed. I love although it may hurt. I hate. I feel. I forgive. I forget. I let go. I give in. I get blamed. I fell down yet I learned how to stand up. I was stabbed. I was failed. I failed. I fake a smile to avoid every "Are you okay?"s. I laugh because sometimes I feel like, hiding the pain could ease things, whereas in fact, I am wrong.

If I could be selfish, if there was a day for me.
I just want to be wanted, I just want to be needed. I just want someone to tell me they need me. I want someone to miss me. I just want to blame, not to be blamed. I want to be understood, not to understand others all the time. I want hugs, I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything's alright. I want to see my hopes up without it falling. I want someone who'll wipe away the tears and help me put back the smile.

I just hope this will last a little bit longer.

It's raining. I love rainy days. I love the smell of the rain yet the smell of the soil. I love the sound of the rain when it touches the surface, the drizzle, the sound when the wind blows the water, the whoosh thingy the rain make. I love the feeling of the rain, it's cleansing yet soothing. The rain always pampers my mood, the soothing vibes and everything. If only it could rain everyday, if only.

It's uncountable how many times this has happened.
I fell down, and I feel so small in this whole wide world. Disappointed and I stop believing in others. Betrayed and I'm a pessimistic on love. Like a little bird learned how to fly, the world wants me to learn everything in a blink of an eye. Forced to decide everything on my own. All in sudden, I feel growing up is not as easy I thought it would be.

Truth be told, I've had enough of fighting and struggling. But for the sake of you, I ain't giving up. Not yet. Maybe I have to fight harder. Maybe I have to give it another shot - I don't know. I ain't complaining. You've made me realize.. that from the very first start, I ain't standing alone.

To whom this may concern, I just have to simply thank you. And yes, I kinda miss you.