You hate love, but it;s inevitable

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Well in my case, I heal at a slower pace.

The ones we love tend to stay in our hearts and minds long after the relationship ends. While some move on quickly, others dwell and heal at a slower pace. Whatever the case, the thoughts, emotions and memories we experience during this time are heartwrenchingly powerful and real.

I.

I cry when smiling seems to be harder, when I can't even fake one. I fight, I struggle, I try but... I fail. I get my hopes up and ... I am disappointed. I believed and I am betrayed. I love although it may hurt. I hate. I feel. I forgive. I forget. I let go. I give in. I get blamed. I fell down yet I learned how to stand up. I was stabbed. I was failed. I failed. I fake a smile to avoid every "Are you okay?"s. I laugh because sometimes I feel like, hiding the pain could ease things, whereas in fact, I am wrong.

If I could be selfish, if there was a day for me.
I just want to be wanted, I just want to be needed. I just want someone to tell me they need me. I want someone to miss me. I just want to blame, not to be blamed. I want to be understood, not to understand others all the time. I want hugs, I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything's alright. I want to see my hopes up without it falling. I want someone who'll wipe away the tears and help me put back the smile.

I just hope this will last a little bit longer.

It's raining. I love rainy days. I love the smell of the rain yet the smell of the soil. I love the sound of the rain when it touches the surface, the drizzle, the sound when the wind blows the water, the whoosh thingy the rain make. I love the feeling of the rain, it's cleansing yet soothing. The rain always pampers my mood, the soothing vibes and everything. If only it could rain everyday, if only.

It's uncountable how many times this has happened.
I fell down, and I feel so small in this whole wide world. Disappointed and I stop believing in others. Betrayed and I'm a pessimistic on love. Like a little bird learned how to fly, the world wants me to learn everything in a blink of an eye. Forced to decide everything on my own. All in sudden, I feel growing up is not as easy I thought it would be.

Truth be told, I've had enough of fighting and struggling. But for the sake of you, I ain't giving up. Not yet. Maybe I have to fight harder. Maybe I have to give it another shot - I don't know. I ain't complaining. You've made me realize.. that from the very first start, I ain't standing alone.

To whom this may concern, I just have to simply thank you. And yes, I kinda miss you.

This is what I call... a poker face.

"I sometimes pretend to be happy, talking a lot and laughing out loud so nobody would know what's really inside. But at the end of the day, I always find myself all alone, encountering the truth that I'm too broken inside that not even millions of laughter can't take it away. I actually am tired of pretending, but what else do I have? I have no one to trust to share things. I guess I'm so used to being all alone, forgotten, and left over."

Bolehkah?

"Sekarang... Saat ini saja... Untuk beberapa detik saja... aku ingin bersikap egois. Aku ingin melupakan semua orang, mengabaikan dunia, dan melupakan asal usul serta latar belakangku. Tanpa beban, tuntutan, ataupun harapan, aku ingin mengaku. Aku mencintainya."

Autumn in Paris (Ilana Tan)

Ada saatnya gua selalu pengen kenyataan yang ngalah sama gua karena selama ini, kayaknya selalu gua yang ngalah. Ada saatnya gua pengen kenyataan yang ngertiin gua karena selama ini, kayaknya juga gua yang selalu menyesuaikan diri dan berusaha buat ngertiin kenyataan itu. Jauh, gua pengen kenyataan lah yang jalan sesuai dengan keinginan gua. Gua pernah janji kalau gua bakal berusaha buat ngalah sama kenyataan, buat ngertiin kenyataan. Cuman, sampai kapan gua harus ngalah, walaupun memang sebenarnya kenyataan bukan gua yang ngatur.
Tapi.. apa kenyataan gak ngerti, kalau yang namanya perasaan juga bukan gua yang ngatur? Kalau memang semua terjadi begitu aja, tanpa ngasih peringatan ke gua dulu, kalau semuanya jalan secara sendirinya, apakah kenyataan tetep gak mau ngerti?

Dear her,

Girl, you're lucky enough to have his love. The only thing I'm willing to have, but no, I know I can't. He loves you, for real. It's not me and never be me. If I could ask you a thing, it'd be you to love him the way he feels about you. Well, I don't know if that's possible or not, but just so you know, you're the only one who'll make him happy, you're the only one who could cheer him up and make him smile. You know, I'd be pleased to give in, let him go to you if he's gonna be happy with you. I know it's not easy to see him go. But, don't worry about me, I'll be happy as long as he's happy. I love him, that's why I give in and let him go. Cos it's never gonna be me, it'll always be you.

Sincerely, me