I don't wanna grow up.

I'm just.. I'm still sad. So sad, that Harry Potter's journey has ended. He has found all the Horcruxes and he killed Lord Voldemort already. I just wish J.K. Rowling would like to write another book like, seriously. After all this years, reading Harry Potter's book, queuing for the book, reading it till 2 A.M. and not wanting to sleep unless finishing it, waiting for the new movie to show up in the cinema, waiting in line to get tickets to the first show of the movie, remembering spells, having wands and ... so much. It has been 10 years of Harry Potter and now it all ends.. I don't know I just.. I don't want to. I am such a big fan of Rowling and Harry Potter since I was still a kid. I still have this in my mind, the time I watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone every Sunday during lunch and I believed that Hogwart's real. Waiting for an owl to stop by my mail box sending me letter and I was disappointed when I didn't get any. Until Mom told me that, Harry Potter is just a fantasy. A movie. But, I don't know deep down here I still believe that platform 9 3/4 on King's Cross Station is real, and pressing 6-2-4-4-2 on to a broken-down red telephone box located on a dingy street which has several shabby offices, a pub, and a wall covered with graffitti will send me to the Ministry of Magic. I know this sounds silly but.. blah.

I just hate opening Tumblr, they have so many Harry Potter related stuffs and I am sad seeing it. I mean, they're like telling me Harry Potter is over and they're bringing back things from the past. I cried so much when I first watched the premiere on July 14 till my eyeliner melts. Cried again when I watched for the second time. And cried again when I saw pics and videos on Youtube. Seriously, I don't know what I have to do with my life. Harry Potter has been with me for 10 years. I've stuck for 10 years. And now it's over.. I don't know. Seriously.

By the way, I've made it to Pottermore and yes I'm so glad..

It's because I don't want another heart to break.

If I ever leave all in sudden, if I ever disappear and not returning calls or messages, if I ever vanish from your life out of nowhere, if you can't find me in every way, it's not that I'm kidnapped by an alien from outer space, or you do me wrong that makes me hate you. Because if I ever one do of those things, or perhaps all at once, it means I don't see we both can work it out any further than what we have at the meantime. It's because I don't want another heart to break, I don't wanna give false alarms and false hopes. I don't wanna see you live in lies. I don't want you to hope for something that isn't going to happen. I don't wanna hurt you in continuously pain. I'd rather hurt you once, make you hate me, than let you be.

A dark note, I've made up my mind. I'm reconsidering everything that I might not be taking and go after my Plan A majoring Design. Well it's because I highly doubt myself. And now I'm like a lost kid not knowing which winding road should I take. By the way, it seems like everyone's having a hard time. Me either. My right jaw has been hurting for days. Not being able to open my mouth widely and munching food properly and not to forget, not being able to laugh hard and scream hard is a definite pain. And the fact I had hamburger yesterday was definitely the worst thing. Days at science class is blah but.. I find myself not procrastinating, no more. I mean, I do homeworks days before the due date, not the night before like I always do in grade 10. Well I guess it's because I know I don't have much time to. That's good. I'm trying to enjoy my class a little by little, tryna see the best part of my class which is... Blah, I still can't find one but I know soon I'll find one. I feel so much hatred inside of me that I need to get rid of it, lower my freaking ego and talk to my friend in no time. I have to cool down a bit and start solving things out.

I never hated you and I guess I never really could. Well still, it was you who once made my days and gave me smiles. Who helped me sort things out and you were the very first one who's there when I needed somebody. You never really did things wrong, it's just.. things have found a better way to work out. But bestfriends stick together all the time, don't they?

Nothing lasts forever.

My very bestfriend's Dad just passed away. It has been 100 days since my uncle passed away. Summer 2 years ago, a friend of mine also passed away. The thing about life is.. Nothing lasts forever. Really nothing. People come and go, days passes and things go by. Time keeps on ticking and it won't stop for even a meresecond. Honestly, I'm not good dealing with death. Things are never the same after death approaches. Seeing your friends and family crying over a dead body, and the body of someone you loved is no longer breathing. It is never easy. And never will be easy. But, life goes on. You shall not cry over things that has been done. God has a plan.

Things have been so ARGH lately. I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs. Lord.

I'm so glad to have you back.

Same hospital, same storey, same alley, same person, different time, condition and feelings. The talk that simply changes the way I think and the way I will look forward things. It was the talk that slaps me right in the face. How I saw things in the different side which is.. the freaking cause of everything. It has been years. not just year. But years. And we never actually have ever left each other. It's funny how we knew things without being told. We just knew. I'm just so glad to have my friend back.


10 years of Harry Potter and I'm so glad that I was able to make it to the premiere. 14th July. It all ends, and I did cry. A lot. I mean, all these years. I have another Harry Potter book/movie to look after to. But now, it's over. Well, thanks Harry Potter.

Everyone judges. But I try not to.

This was what I am going to have if I don't have extreme sensitive skin :(

Isn't it annoying when people who barely know you judge you like, all they want? The people who only know you by your name, by your Facebook profile, by the tweets you tweeted on Twitter, the ones who know you just by the way you walk, you smile, and you talk - not to them, and the stories they heard about you. You never even talked to them, not a single word. You never even bothered them, never even cared a bit 'bout them. And they judge you, they talk stuffs about you, like they've known you since you barely remember. You only know my name, not me. You only hear stories about me, but you barely know what I got through.
Really, I actually don't bother much about what people say about me. I mean, well I try to care less. Judgements hurt. And in the end, it's myself who I'm living for. Not the rest. But I just can't help myself when it's getting too much. Literally, too much. I just don't get the point of people saying stuffs 'bout me. I mean, why don't you talk stuffs more important? You spend your freaking precious time hating and talking stuffs about me? We don't even know each other so why bother? I'm living my freaking own life and I'm sorry if it disturbs yours. But live yours like I live mine, care less. I know everyone has the right to hate, and I know I'm not lovable. But, could you just care less like I do when it comes to you? Everyone got their own flaws.

On the other hand, I'm still in Mom and Dad's place. Yes, I'm staying here for another two weeks. Well, one part of me is loving my stay here, not wanting to come back Jakarta since everything's so easy here. I got my maid, my freaking little sister and brother, Mommy and Daddy, and yes, driver! Enough money, zillions of food, no need to do chores and no need to clean up beds and clothes. But the other side of me misses being alone. I miss the very silent moment just between me and the four walls. Regarding to what happened lately, yes I am missing the moment me being all by myself. You know, I can act like I am not fine all the time because no one freaking cares. I have to look all so fine right now, I have to act like medication doesn't hurt and betrayals are nothing. I miss the time when I just can do whatever I want, like rant in my pillows when I'm freaking pissed, roll over and break down in tears when I feel emotional, or laugh and talk to stuffed animals.
But anyways, time flies that actually it has been 4 years of living apart from Mom and Dad, apart from all the freakin' comforts, I'm just so used to feel alone and being alone. The feeling of just me and the four walls and stuffed animals. Being not fine and facing truths all by myself. The moment when I have to turn on music just to make me feel I have a company. The moment when I have to bear not being in family reunions dinner and skipping so much family and loved ones birthdays. The moment watching them growing up, as I am, but miles apart. Yeah, I'm used to it.

Two more weeks to go until school reopens. Someone, please bomb my school. And oh, speaking of school.. Yes, I'm in the freakin' year 11, science class. I don't think this is what I want. I highly doubt this. But well for now, I guess I just have to keep faith, this is what I want. I don't know what I like, I don't know if this is really what I'm into to. Oh fuck. I guess for now, I'll just have to keep faith, get things figured out by itself later on, and enjoy the rest of my summer. Yeah.

Till then.

Summer love isn't meant to be.

I love the moon, I love stars, I love the clouds, I love the wind breezing, I love the sun, I love raindrops, I love thunders and lightnings. I just love the sky and everything in it.

It has been a while, and I'm glad I'm slowly not overwhelmed. Things were hard, but that doesn't mean I can't. Weeks before school started, I'm not wasting my time. No.

I go ahead and smile :)

For what happened. twas no one's fault. No one to be blamed. It's coming down itself, it's tumbling down itself. I know I'm not strong, but this emo phase won't last too long.

I was sleeping when I saw a vision. A girl sitting under a tree on her own, in her very pale white dress, but no I can't see her face. She came approach me, with a tap on my shoulder, she said. Life's too short for you to cry over the past, to sulk under the miseries, to regret what you have done wrong. Count your time, how much you've been wasting on being emo, crying over stuffs which you should be getting over instead? You know you have limited time, you know not when you're going. Literally going, forever. Stop being whiny. For every mistake you did, it wasn't meant to make you feel small and make you feel like a fool, it's the phase to get stronger, to know which one's right, to learn not to do the same thing all over again. I ain't saying every mistake is good, but what you have to do is learn from them, not to sulk on and regret. For everyone that left, that simply means, you're getting older and you have to learn standing on your own feet. But have faith, you'll have someone standing at your back, who'll catch you when you fall. No one guarantees that life's easy, no one guarantees that love is plain sweet, no one guarantees that friendship stays forever. But out of the blue, you can always see the sun. I was once your age, got my heart broken, seeing my hopes up so high then saw it falling down, being left over and forgotten. I was once in your shoes that I simply know how it feels like to be you. But, darling believe in me. Doing what you're doing now, you're more wasting the time than cherishing what you have. Stop having "if only", start having "I could do this instead." That's what she told me. And it was like a slap on a face, a very hard one that I was awakened and I found out that I've fallen asleep with teary eyes.

Gotta deal with what I fear the most tomorrow, gotta have my heart, soul, body, and mind for the worst decision. July, isn't it way too long for the result to come out? I'm afraid of opening the envelope, seeing the sayings that everything's not working properly. That I might have more things to deal with. I might not have the very best holiday since the result's out for so long. Everything's in stake! Anyway, guess holiday's starting for everyone. So, happy holiday. Summer 2011! I'm hoping for the best of Bali and Singapore, despite the medical thing. Till then x

Letting go doesn't always mean that I give in, nor I giving up. It doesn't always mean that I'm done. Doesn't always mean I don't feel that way anymore. It doesn't always mean I'm tired of hoping. But perhaps this time, it means that I know perhaps he deserves someone who's way much better than I am. You know, it's time to let go. Because perhaps the only thing I'd like to see is him happy, eventhough it's not me. Because from the very first place, I knew it's not me and never will be me. Whoever's gonna have him, well she'd better be treating him right.
Well knowing the truth's not easy, never have been easy eversince. But, I'm glad I've known :)

I.

I cry when smiling seems to be harder, when I can't even fake one. I fight, I struggle, I try but... I fail. I get my hopes up and ... I am disappointed. I believed and I am betrayed. I love although it may hurt. I hate. I feel. I forgive. I forget. I let go. I give in. I get blamed. I fell down yet I learned how to stand up. I was stabbed. I was failed. I failed. I fake a smile to avoid every "Are you okay?"s. I laugh because sometimes I feel like, hiding the pain could ease things, whereas in fact, I am wrong.

If I could be selfish, if there was a day for me.
I just want to be wanted, I just want to be needed. I just want someone to tell me they need me. I want someone to miss me. I just want to blame, not to be blamed. I want to be understood, not to understand others all the time. I want hugs, I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything's alright. I want to see my hopes up without it falling. I want someone who'll wipe away the tears and help me put back the smile.

I just hope this will last a little bit longer.

It's raining. I love rainy days. I love the smell of the rain yet the smell of the soil. I love the sound of the rain when it touches the surface, the drizzle, the sound when the wind blows the water, the whoosh thingy the rain make. I love the feeling of the rain, it's cleansing yet soothing. The rain always pampers my mood, the soothing vibes and everything. If only it could rain everyday, if only.

It's uncountable how many times this has happened.
I fell down, and I feel so small in this whole wide world. Disappointed and I stop believing in others. Betrayed and I'm a pessimistic on love. Like a little bird learned how to fly, the world wants me to learn everything in a blink of an eye. Forced to decide everything on my own. All in sudden, I feel growing up is not as easy I thought it would be.

Truth be told, I've had enough of fighting and struggling. But for the sake of you, I ain't giving up. Not yet. Maybe I have to fight harder. Maybe I have to give it another shot - I don't know. I ain't complaining. You've made me realize.. that from the very first start, I ain't standing alone.

To whom this may concern, I just have to simply thank you. And yes, I kinda miss you.

As every summer has a story.

Days of books, equations, revising and reviews over. Am biddin' my highest goodbye to the sleepless night and stressful days. Finals' over and I'm hyped. Leavin' Jakarta in just days and.. yeah, summer is here. It's the sleepless night and the extreme long day that made me think about what I've been through. Well, can't believe it's summer (again) already. Just can't believe I made through another year, a year after '10 Summer. What I've been through, what the hell happened, breakdowns, yet I'm still here standing. As every summer has a story, and I hope 2011's have a great one.

Well, these days I just need to be occupied. To avoid me and my over-thought habits, and the negative vibes.
Till then x

Because in your eyes I'd like to stay.

I'm not askin' for a perfect boy, because I simply know there can't be one. I just need someone to love me, for real. Wholeheartedly. That's it. I'm not askin' for friends that has to be with me 24/7, I just need the ones who'll be there in times I friggin' need someone to fall back on and the ones I know will never leave me alone. I'm not askin for a perfect life, for a perfect everything, I just wanna feel needed and wanted. I'm not askin' for a perfect me, because I know I can't be.

Re-reading what I used to write and what they used to write with me still in a part of them is makin' me miss em even more. Oh summer break just be fast <3

It's growing up we're all facing.

They told me I look like like a Caucasian ♥

It's sad to think that my childhood is over. That I'll never be young again. That I'll always have worries and secrets to be kept now. That I'll never be free to run around without a care in the world. And instead, I'll be crippled by every type of pain the world has to offer.

Have you ever thought you liked something too much and you boast that to your friends and also your daddy and mommy, and now you find it as.. blah? Have you ever thought something as your passion and now you find something way much more interesting, but decisions and plans are set up already that you can't change? That's how I feel. Exactly. I no longer find joy in drawing as it used to be. I need to find my way back. Not into love, but into design and art. I've been writing so much lately, reading so much. And.. I find so much joy in it. But, literature has been... sucha sweet runaway. Just a runaway. Everything's set up already that I can't change. I have to go back.

Eh, on the other hand, I've been trying to write out as much as I can, keep posted as much as I can but.. since I'm now so attached with my diary, literally diary and I somehow found more joy writing there, as in no privacy since it's gonna be only me, I started neglecting this old piece of junk, my so called blog. Tee-hee. Everyone's in their exam week, and so do I. I'm wishin' everyone nothing but the hope of them to ace up their papers. I just want summer break to be fast so I can start burning my books into ashes or sell them. Tell you no lies, I'm sick of studyin'.
So long x

This is what I call... a poker face.

"I sometimes pretend to be happy, talking a lot and laughing out loud so nobody would know what's really inside. But at the end of the day, I always find myself all alone, encountering the truth that I'm too broken inside that not even millions of laughter can't take it away. I actually am tired of pretending, but what else do I have? I have no one to trust to share things. I guess I'm so used to being all alone, forgotten, and left over."

Bolehkah?

"Sekarang... Saat ini saja... Untuk beberapa detik saja... aku ingin bersikap egois. Aku ingin melupakan semua orang, mengabaikan dunia, dan melupakan asal usul serta latar belakangku. Tanpa beban, tuntutan, ataupun harapan, aku ingin mengaku. Aku mencintainya."

Autumn in Paris (Ilana Tan)

Ada saatnya gua selalu pengen kenyataan yang ngalah sama gua karena selama ini, kayaknya selalu gua yang ngalah. Ada saatnya gua pengen kenyataan yang ngertiin gua karena selama ini, kayaknya juga gua yang selalu menyesuaikan diri dan berusaha buat ngertiin kenyataan itu. Jauh, gua pengen kenyataan lah yang jalan sesuai dengan keinginan gua. Gua pernah janji kalau gua bakal berusaha buat ngalah sama kenyataan, buat ngertiin kenyataan. Cuman, sampai kapan gua harus ngalah, walaupun memang sebenarnya kenyataan bukan gua yang ngatur.
Tapi.. apa kenyataan gak ngerti, kalau yang namanya perasaan juga bukan gua yang ngatur? Kalau memang semua terjadi begitu aja, tanpa ngasih peringatan ke gua dulu, kalau semuanya jalan secara sendirinya, apakah kenyataan tetep gak mau ngerti?

Dear her,

Girl, you're lucky enough to have his love. The only thing I'm willing to have, but no, I know I can't. He loves you, for real. It's not me and never be me. If I could ask you a thing, it'd be you to love him the way he feels about you. Well, I don't know if that's possible or not, but just so you know, you're the only one who'll make him happy, you're the only one who could cheer him up and make him smile. You know, I'd be pleased to give in, let him go to you if he's gonna be happy with you. I know it's not easy to see him go. But, don't worry about me, I'll be happy as long as he's happy. I love him, that's why I give in and let him go. Cos it's never gonna be me, it'll always be you.

Sincerely, me